I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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