Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
