My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I can text with my tongue
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
