Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You're like the curious george of whores
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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