I like to think it a success when the cops are called
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
