I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
