There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
