and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
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You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
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you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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