Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
