My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
