nut hugger
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
