It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize