remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
