My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
