It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
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