you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
