I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
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There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
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I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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