dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
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Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
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Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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