he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
