im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
