I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
