somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
