We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
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my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
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Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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