fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
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I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
You took a bar mat shot.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
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But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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