are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
