It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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