Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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