i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
