How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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