we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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