I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
