Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
