You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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