: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
