He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
