I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
