I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
