I am in a vortex of obligation.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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