Plan B is the new Plan A
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
