I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
