just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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