Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
