it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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