I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
she smelled like a LAN party
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
