just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
