no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
