i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
