I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
