I wish they made helmets for livers.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
