I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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