How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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