Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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