My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
