dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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