I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
