Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
