dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
