i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
