hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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