My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
