I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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